New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
