i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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