oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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