We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
why is half of my head shaved?
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