the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He better not be in your backpack
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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