Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
