yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
