and she was petting her beer can
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
