My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
