My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I love having hate sex.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
