I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
