can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Randomize
