I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
