Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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