He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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