i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
