I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
