the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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