somebody snuck up and got me drunk
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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