Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
