i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Randomize
