I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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