i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
