I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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