Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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