my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
