I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
