Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
