i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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