If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
