don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Welp...herpes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
