Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
