I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
