All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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