chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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