when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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