Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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