You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
You left your phone here
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