if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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