The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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