Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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