I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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