Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
