all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.