I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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