drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
