Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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