allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
