Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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