Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
