I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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