Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
