The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
