I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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