the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
