getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
