it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
