Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
