I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
