Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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