just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
