I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Ladies don't puke and tell
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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